I wrote this poem before I knew about the mental disorder of the person I was involved with. This disordered type of individual is often said to be a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” I would only find out the extent much later.

What I look for

I look for the gentle breeze of a soft voice
as solace on a jumbled day
I look for the cat’s soft fur
to calm my mind
I look for the meaning beneath the words,
the feelings lying low
like a wolf in hiding.

All are one, all is well

The Ceiling of Sky

The exhalation of God breathes me
and every ordinary thing alive
in my forest view today.
All is divinely ordered,
dramas not here in these woods.
God is in the leaves of Fall, dropping
as they release from the larger tree
to rest on the ground.
What’s done is done, they have already
fallen and made their mark, each distinctly
red or yellow in the moment
or shaped like a hand or face, lying on
the soft bed we walk on, each loved
equally. As a group they form a mosaic
of patterns shaped by oak and maple leaves,
small red bushes, a host of other live
plants and creatures.
All are part of the carpet of the whole,
the ceiling of sky, the walls of shade,
the slant light of the sun.

Candle Light

Candle Light

I shine the light on despair:
it disappears into the darkness,
until the moon says: “I told you
there was only light,”
light to make your way,
light to brighten the dark caves
of worry and crannies of desire
that elude, light to walk the crooked
path out of the swamp, light
of the black pearl beckoning
better times, the coat of many colors
to warm the shroud of desperation,
lying at the feet of the doubtful,
the light of faith like a lamp post.
Will the shine of hope shed light
on my buried dreams, or the jackhammer
of daily life drill all good
to the bottom? I light a candle,
cupping my hand around the flames.

This poem shows me reaching for light, toward the light, as I was sunk in depression or desperation. My faith and my spiritual practices kept me upright until I could reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

A Long Time Ago

This poem was written recently, about another trauma I experienced more than 60 years ago, and just recovered the memory.

A Long Time Ago

A long time ago, doors were open in every house
A long time ago, I didn’t think to look in other’s windows
A long time ago, I rode on a blue bicycle I called a horse
A long time ago, wishing to be a leader of boys did not make it so
A long time ago, my world existed outside the house
A long time ago, there were blackberries to pick
A long time ago, a dog went flying down the street behind my bike
A long time ago, my innocence was already lost in a small bedroom.

My Journey Explained

I completed a difficult time in my life and want to write about healing this trauma. I have many spiritual practices, including meditation, Course in Miracles, and using Unity principles. Because I’m a strong person and this series of events was so disorienting and upsetting, I decided to write about recovery from it. I was lucky: I got out of the situation quickly and was able to resume my old life in a matter of weeks. I’m going to attach a poem which describes generally what I went through in a year.

This Year

This was the year of trauma and illusion,
of new beginnings and abrupt endings.
This was the year of bears and owls,
curses and dark energy, of infidelity
and incest, lies and drowning
then reaching for light,

of betrayals and sinking in fear,
then rising out of the muck
to forgiveness, a year of meditation
to calm the mind.
This was the year of yoga nidra
every night, of John Vosler at 3:00 am
and Tara Brach at 7:00.

This was the year of opposites:
Illusion and truth
Truth and lies
Justice and mercy
Fear and love

This was the year of blessings,
of finally knowing what is important.
This was the year of standing up to abuse of power,
This was the year of losses; a house,
a lover,
a community,
a town,
a school,
money and sometimes my mind.

This was the year of gain: Friends,
lessons,sleepfulness,
more lessons,
gratitude, strength.
This was the year of coming home, to myself.

My book will include various healing methods I used to recover, as well as description of the mental disorder which can be so destructive to other individuals in a relationship. Just like alcoholism, it is cunning and baffling and in some cases, hard to detect until it is too late..

The Revenge of the Narcissist

The reaction of narcissists to insults and other slights, even simple truth-revealing sentiments, is so severe a special term was created to more accurately depict their response — narcissistic injury. This is not the typical reaction of someone who feels betrayed. Those without the disorder will likely stop talking to the person who’s slighted them, perhaps after sharing that their comments weren’t appreciated, and move on.

When an individual inflicts narcissistic injury, however, the narcissist immediately sets his sights on doing anything and everything possible to destroy this person. Nothing demands more attention. This is because pathological narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), develops from shame. Individuals with NPD, at their core, despise who they are, and in order to mask associated pain, they’ve created a false façade of self-grandiosity. They must make others believe they are everything everyone else aspires to be — kindhearted, accomplished, intelligent, wonderful partners, etc. Everything a narcissist does embodies this false image…until the truth is revealed.

Whenever the false persona is challenged, it is utterly unacceptable. Essentially, the deep-seated pain which lies at the narcissist’s core surfaces, and this individual is made to face shame head-on through the person who has inflicted injury. Since this “opponent” represents in a tangible way the shame the narcissist has avoided for so long, in order to destroy the shame and summon it back into the recesses of the narcissist’s mind, the person surfacing the shame must be destroyed.

Should you be afraid? Yes. But, not paranoid. Narcissists are disordered individuals. They are sociopathic, meaning they do not possess the same mental, physical and emotional boundaries as those without behavioral disorders. However, you must also understand that this is not someone who is going to blatantly attack you. To do so would not only further mar the narcissist’s reputation, but would actually prove you’re right.

The best analogy I’ve heard regarding how a narcissist retaliates is this: They won’t push you down a flight of stairs. But, they will tie a nearly invisible string halfway down and wait for you to trip.

In other words, the narcissist will seek revenge in a way that preserves the public’s opinion while showing the world “you’re the crazy one”. This is the ultimate triumph and discard, and why it’s so difficult to prove to the outside world the narcissist is sick. Only those in the abuser’s intimate space who live in an inevitable cycle of idealizedevaluediscard will feel the full wrath.

The best thing to do is not antagonize the narcissist unless you have solid proof backing your accusations and are fully prepared to go to war, go entirely no contact whenever possible, and never allow this person to suck you back in.

Break the silence. Break the cycle. By Sara Teller

Narcissism explained

How to summarize and eloquently tell a tale of horror than unfolds and manifests repeatedly in life implosion after life implosion. This isn’t my usual chipper self. However, I’ve always promised you all the truths I know.

A narcissist suffers from a Reactive Attachment Disorder, within the first 18 months of life, where they did not consistently get their basic needs met. They were not consistently responded to when they hungry, tired, or needed to be engaged by their primary caregiver. It’s a tale of abuse and neglect. They can’t remember this time period, however, they may remember other dysfunctions in their childhood of ineffective parenting.

When an infant isn’t consistently getting these needs met from a primary caregiver. They don’t ever form a secure attachment to a caregiver at all and can consequently, never securely attach to anyone ever. They don’t ever develop a feeling of love for a caregiver, they don’t develop empathy for their caregiver. They lose the ability to have any deeper feelings for anyone, ever. Their feelings stay in the realm of surface feelings only. They do develop an underlying feeling of rage and anger that is always somewhat present under the surface, and erupts consistently when they don’t get their way and more importantly when their fragile ego takes a hit.

The losses are profound. They lose the ability to feel true happiness. They lose the ability to trust their world. They lose their sense of self. They lose their self confidence and self worth. They lose the ability to self regulate their own self esteem. They lose the ability to have healthy relationships with others. They lose the ability to maintain consistent life styles. They lose the ability to have morals and a conscience because they have no gravitational pull towards others.

They gain so much too. They gain an empty feeling that eats at their soul. They have a deep mental gash that causes constant mental pain. They have a mother void that creates dysfunction in their sexual relationships with others. The ability to view their lens of the world through only themselves. The ability to put themselves and their needs first always. They gain an ability to live life without ever needing a singular other person. They are mentally independent of others always. They develop an ability to create a false mask of super confidence. They develop an enhanced ability to mirror others. They developed an enhanced ability to manipulate others. Those last two had to be developed as infants when they were trying to get their basic needs met.

The signs…

The mask, the manipulation are obvious ones for sure. They need external validation and things to fill their tragically low self esteem up. Their appearance and image is everything to them. Consequently, things like their clothes and being on time are very important to them. They want to be surrounded by the highest quality things they can obtain. They have very black and white thinking. They view many things, people included as all bad or all good. They most likely have issues with food, where they are overindulging or depriving themselves. There is very little middle ground there.

Their self esteem is low, however, hidden with the mask. You can tell it is low because they can never be insulted, look badly in front of others, or accept consequences of their actions that would be in the negative realm. They punish, lash out and create smear compaigns if you try to hurt them because they simply are so full of pain they are not capable of absorbing anymore.

Because they don’t have a full range of feelings, they are uncomfortable talking about or trying to understand human feelings. Many of these feelings are foreign to them. Funerals and death do not bother them. They prefer to die than to live often. They see this as the only way out of their mental pain. They are unable, however to commit suicide because while trying to survive as infants of neglect their brain consistently told them, don’t die… don’t die. So although, they don’t always want to live, they are kind of still stuck on this earth. Many of them resort to drugs and/ or alcohol to help numb the mental pain.

I hope this helps give a brief yet profound over view of the disorder.

It’s quite sad no matter what angle you try to view it from. From: Ms. Romine, Quora